Maybe it's because all my friends are graduating; maybe it's because of my discussions with those who have their future planned out; even though that's a very small percentege. Even with the 12 months of internship that I've been blessed with, I still feel a little lost as to where God is calling me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's put me in computer eng. for a reason, but sometimes I look and I feel a little lost. Like, you know when you look around you, people are pursuing med school, bible college, masters, _____, you fill in the blank. And I'm here with my internship, ready to go back to school, but with no clue where I'm headed.

And it's not really just about where I'm headed, it's about the whole What am I doing that lasts forever in light of eternity?. True, I'm serving God in a few roles that he's called me to, but I can't help but feel directionless in some things. Normally, for me that would be a good sign, because I know that I am to fully rely on God for any direction that he has for me. But, in this case, I think I'm realizing there are many things that I'm just letting slip by. He's put passion in me, but I've just taken the status 'quo and, to be frank, wasted a lot of the time he's blessed me with. It's really easier said than done to be able to use every living minute to the fullest.

I think part of the issue for me is I tend to be very easygoing, and I find myself lacking amibition sometimes. Like, I love what I do at work, and it's very interesting, and some ways fullfilling, but at the end of the day I don't know if I am really accomplishing anything. Maybe for the greater good of the computer community and all who use our products, but in the grand scheme of eternity it doesn't really matter. Which goes back to the cliche of NA materialism and all the ramifications that come with that. At the same time, I cannot blame materialism for my sense of lostness because God has called me to be steward of what I have.

When I sit down and think about it, it overwhelms me. I wish I made more time to pursue theology, I wish I set aside more time to really sit down and wrestle with what we as Christians face everyday, instead of just passing it off and shutting myself in a cube to finish my work. I wish lots of things. Is it because I am unhappy? No, I have slowly realized that I am blessed beyond measure, and I am joyful. I feel great. But at the same time, I can't help but feel there is something missing; that I'm not fully satisfied; that God has called me to do something more with my life....but what is it?

Maybe I'm blowing it way out of proportion and it's a lot simpler than that. At the same time, I dont' know why it's bothering me. Sorry for the long post, good to get my thoughts down on paper..umm...0's and 1's.